Where are you on your journey after your life-changing experience?
Are you “clearing up the mess”?
I’ve been thinking lately about what happens next after a life-changing experience such as bereavement or divorce or separation, and how when we finally lift our heads up and look around us all we see is a “mess”, whether that’s a literal mess or a mental or emotional one.
Last weekend I was in our cottage garden and began to tackle some ivy that had taken over a very elderly brick wall. When we moved into the cottage in 2019 the wall was on the verge of collapse, and the garden was neglected and sad. The cottage is a Grade 2 listed thatch and was loved by its previous owners for 60 years. They grew old with it and eventually it was empty for 18 months after she passed away and he went into nursing care to be nearer to his family. He eventually passed away too, and his children decided to sell the once-cherished family home that had now fallen into disrepair.
When something isn’t loved, cherished and cared for any more the cracks begin to appear don’t they?
It’s the same when difficult things happen in life. When we’re grieving the loss of someone we love, going through a difficult relationship breakdown or indeed caring for someone that has a chronic illness, we can become completely exhausted and everyday things can seem challenging and overwhelming.
When it came to renovating our cottage, we had to tackle each challenge with enthusiasm and energy. although quite honestly over the past year that energy has waned a bit. However, last weekend the sun was beginning to shine after a long cold winter, and I felt ready to tackle that ivy. Since the wall had been suffocating under the thick tangled root systems, I almost felt like I was going into battle with it but the energy I had afterwards was amazing! The wall came into view, and it felt to me as though it was standing taller and with more confidence after all my hard work.
It reminded me of page 12 of my gift book ‘The Grief Garden Path’. I refer clients to this page from time to time because it beautifully illustrates the journey someone might take after somebody close to them has died. It’s a contemporary of the model conceptualised by Richard A Dershimer, a well-known author associated with the study of grief and bereavement and is simple yet powerful. [Number three is called “Straightening up the mess”. What this means is that if you have been on an often very long journey of acute grief – a journey that can sometimes last for years – you may emerge from that time blinking in the sunlight, wondering what on earth has happened.
It’s at this stage that you begin to see mess around you, be that physical within the home, or maybe within relationships once cherished, or even within the workplace. The positive news is that with that newfound focus and observation you can then begin the process of coming back to life again. I’ll write another time about number four: “Reinvesting and Re-engaging in Life” because today I am concentrating on this point.
This is when I can often be of most use to my clients because it’s my job to help guide, support and enable them to begin the gradual process of seeing the woods for the trees – a bit like uncovering the brick wall from under all that ivy! On reflection, if I begin helping someone navigate their world soon after a difficult life change, it may even prevent the almighty mess that can happen.
I’m wondering what stage you’re at? Do get in touch and let me know.
As for the cottage it’s smiling back at me as I look at it from where I am writing this in “Hope HQ”. It has its brand-new thatch, and the garden is beginning to spring into life. I wonder who will be new to Hope HQ in the months to come?
Warmest wishes as ever,
Julie 😊
